A Letter to Gabrielle Ann

Our Dearest Gabrielle Ann,

            Mommy and Daddy wanted to take this time to tell you how much we love you. In the short time we knew you, you were such a blessing on our lives. Meeting you was something we looked forward to since we found out about you. Mommy and Daddy would talk to you and tell stories or sing silly songs to you. Your sister Ne-J even would come to say hello sometimes and we couldn’t wait to see you two play together. We would feel your little kicks and we knew you were stretching your legs (or maybe arms, we could never really tell) and that you were getting ready for the world. I think back on late nights when I would lay my arm across your mothers belly and you would give little kicks letting me know you were there just saying hello. It was our daddy daughter time.

            One night in the middle of a storm I laid my arm across your mothers belly to let you know we were there, and to make sure you were not afraid. But you were not there to say hello, instead you were with Jesus.

When you were born you were the most peaceful looking angel we had ever seen. You had your Daddy’s chin and lucky for you, your mommy’s nose. We got to see the powerful little feet that kept Mom company while she worked hard at her desk. And we got to see the precious little hands that would say hello to me at 2 in the morning. Neither one of us ever got to see you eyes, because since before the earth was formed God knew your eyes would be used for only one thing. To gaze upon perfection. Your eyes look upon your beautiful savior, a man who suffered and died for the sins of the world. It is this man that your Mom and Dad find hope in. He came down here with all of us and experienced the same joy and the same pain that we are experiencing now. He came to redeem this fallen world. God had a plan before Mommy and Daddy ever knew you. He wanted to save you from a world stained with sin. Because of his rescue, you will never feel the pain of someone sinning against you. You will never have to experience the consequence of your own sin. And you will never experience the imperfections of your parents. All you will ever know sweet Gabrielle Ann is perfection in the hands of Christ. The hands you were born into are the same hands that allowed us to be born again.

Sweet little girl we look forward to meeting you at the gates of Heaven someday holding Jesus hand. You can introduce us to his saints who surround you and we will introduce you to his saints surrounding us. These dear saints who pray for you and your Mommy and Daddy, as well as shed tears with us over the loss of you. We love you very much dearest Gabrielle Ann and until we see you again we will rest in this truth. The truth, which is found in the origins of your name. “God is my might” and “Grace”.  

Fatherhood, preparing to be unprepared.

   Well as you probably know my beautiful wife and I are expecting our first child in ten weeks. There is so much for us to do in preparation of the baby. I am told the baby needs it's own room and that it can't just sleep on Ne-J's (our dog) bed with her. Apparently I have a lot to learn. I am, however, incredibly blessed to have a group of Christian guys to help guide me in this new leadership role as a husband. I am able to talk with them about what to expect and what to prepare for and they continually reenforce how excited they are for Camille and I to have a child. I have expressed a lot of concern about feeling unprepared for fatherhood and they have given me very good news. I can't prepare. In fact I have been alerted to the fact that the more prepared I begin to feel the harder it will be when the baby comes. Because parenting is dependent on the actions/needs of another, prayer is the most prepared I can be. Vowing to seek God in all things/decisions I make with my wife is the only thing I can do. My family and friends have offered up tremendous support in helping me to become a man who seeks the heart to the Lord in Husbandry and Fatherhood. So maybe I am prepared to take on this fatherhood thing. After all, Ne-J hasn't had any complaints.

Looking expectantly toward Heaven. Or more likely, just waiting for me to throw the ball.

Blog here I come...maybe.

Ok so I have this thing called a blog that I have not updated in like, well, almost two years. So After seeing that both my brother and my best friend have started updating theirs and someone un-Facebooked me (damn extended family), I suppose I to should jump on the Bandwagon and start updating this thing regularly. Not only do I have one blog but now I have two. One for me and one for my wife and I so this ought to be fun. Alright so there is the intro are you ready for the first official post...? Yea, me either, I'll do it tomorrow.

Kansas City

Well this post is coming a little late, but I just got back from Kansas City last week and it was awesome! I got to see our new house and mow our new lawn. Got to play with our new puppy Ne-J for those of you who don't know about her. Yup, Mom and Dad are both parents to a beautiful baby puppy. She has lots of energy and consistently needs someone to make sure she doesn't drag out whatever she can get.


I drove out straight after work on two weeks ago today. I went out early to surprise Camille (she thought I was coming the next day) and because of the nine hour drive I didn't get there till 11 PM just in time to show up and wake her up from her deep sleep. I'm not so sure she was happy to see me that late, she stated that the next day at work was rough because it took a while for her to get back to sleep. I like to think it was because she was so excited. The hard part was our nightly conversation that we have. I had to spend the whole time on the phone lying to her about what I did the whole day so she didn't know I was actually driving the whole time. So I took every conversation I had with people on the phone, while I was driving, and took what they did and applied it to myself.

Because it was the middle of the week Camille still had to go to work during the day so I found things to occupy myself. She let me use her GPS so I could drive around and find different things for errands. I came back and mowed the lawn which, I enjoyed immensely (because I have no lawn). I doubt I will hold that same enthusiasm when I have to do it in the middle of summer with the humidity. And then I would cook her dinner at night.

Over the weekend we went to different stores around Kansas City, like Bass Pro Shop, Cabellas, and Nebraska Furniture Mart. That place was huge! Then we went down to The Plaza which, is like the 16th Street Mall in Denver only not ghetto. It was really nice and had a ton of upscale stores. Of course we had to go into Coach and other stores like it. We shopped for bedding in one store for when we get married and it was pricey, but the educated us on quality bedding. So you can imagine where we will register our bedding for the wedding :). Then we finished off with BBQ from a great place called Jack Stacks BBQ. Real KC BBQ, I love it.

On my last day we went to church and then took Ne-J to the botanical gardens and walked around. They are not like the botanical gardens here. It was a really dense forest with a stream running through it where Ne-J played in water for the first time. She instantly became a water dog for life. It was so funny to watch. We walked around the trail for awhile and then headed back home. The rest of the night was sad because I knew I was leaving in the morning.I think she is drowning...

I left Camille for the Springs the next morning and of course there was tears.

On the plus side I guess I got to drive through a thunderstorm with lightning everywhere. I was pretty sure I would get struck, because part of me wanted to get out of the car and take pictures.

I can't wait to go back and do it all over again. I was surprised at how much I liked the area. It's not Colorado but I am ready for a change. It has further inspired me to finish my previous commitments here so we can be married and start our family out there.

To my Beautiful...

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

This song by MercyMe is one that makes me tear up everytime I hear it. The context is for one who has lost a loved one. Sure I will see her again soon (hopefully) but that is only a temporal comfort and does not make it hurt any less. I miss you beautiful and love you dearly.

Sick

For those of you who know me you know that I am a giant baby when it comes to being sick. The sad part is that this stupid cold I have is actually not that bad. However, I feel like I could possibly die at any moment. I hate being sick. I think it is because I have been blessed with a great immune system, so when it fails I start going through the days before in my head trying to figure out where I caught this "deadly" sickness. Oh yea I also complain and over exaggerate EVERYTHING!

The last time I was sick was the day Camille left for Kansas City. Never had I felt so sad and helpless. Our last days together consisted me trying not to mope around because she was leaving. Coupled with the fact that all I wanted to do was cuddle up with her and sleep. Now that I am thinking about it that is all I want to do now. It is hard having her so far away. Some days are easier then others but not these days.

Anyways I got to see my best-friend this morning. He came in to meet with my brother, who had completely forgot they were meeting. It's okay though he only rode his bike in the cold for nothing. It was nice that I was able to come to work and see him here this morning. We got to talk about his family since I have not seen them in a little while.

Politics, labels, and God...(in that order)

Generally I have tried to stay out of politics after learning my lesson in 2004. Or so I thought. Now we are in that part of the four year cycle where candidates do exactly what American mothers tell their children not to. Lie and attack others. This got me thinking about how I seem to absorb the negative press and start labeling others. I don't see anybody around this time as people to love, but party associated delegates here to agree with my opinion or stupidly go against it. Why? Because I am right and anyone who can't see that is ignorant.
This is how I think, labeling people who don't agree with me and associating them with the party I don't like. Their ideas are just as dumb as their party's.
Where is God in this whole thing? To me nowhere. He's waiting in the background hoping that that guy he wants to be elected gets elected. Wondering if he will be able to accomplish his all sovereign plan for the next four years.
This is not a mentality that I want to continue to carry. I don't want to see people as labels, because to be honest I have my own. It doesn't define me nor does it dictate my life. I can't let the election affect how I see people around me everyday. People that need to hear that God has a bigger plan for their life no matter how bad the economy gets and no matter who is in "power". And I need to remind myself that no power is given in Heaven or on earth that has not been set since the beginning of time.